(Something to Offend Everyone)

Anastasia Today inaugurates a new section devoted to Russian humor and anecdotes. Here visitors will find constantly updated modern and traditional humor together with humorous cultural prospective from the clever minds of Anastasia´s editorial staff…

A British safe manufacturer wanted to test a new high security system, and so devised a contest inviting three teams of notorious international safe crackers…an American, German and Russian team, to ply their trade. The incentive for the team that could breach the new safe was $1 million dollars contained inside the safe itself.

The new safe was placed in a high security room with the lights off. Each team was given 15 minutes to try their hand at opening the safe in the dark.

First the Americans gave cracking the safe a go. After 15 minutes the manufacturer switched on the light and was thoroughly delighted at the frustrated Yanks who failed to open the safe.

The light was again switched off and the German team attempted to open the safe. When the lights were switched back on, the same failed results were had by the Germans, making the British manufacturer proud.

Lastly the Russian team was ushered into the dark room and the door closed. After 15 minutes the manufacturer opened the door and threw the light switch, but the room remained in darkness. In a panic, the manufacturer called in security with shotguns and flashlights to see that the safe had been opened with the Russians standing near the door, $1 million in hand looking sheepish. The Russian team leader, in a state of embarrassed agitation, turned to his younger accomplice and exclaimed…"Dammit, Kiril. We got the $1 million. You had to take the light bulb as well?!"

I was told this popular Russian anecdote during a late night drinking contest with my date, a ravishing red haired, green eyed Russian who had recently arrived in Los Angeles…she said it explains the enigma of the Russian psyche exactly…

During the Napoleonic Wars, three prisoners of war, a Russian, an Italian and a German, were gathered in a camp by their French captors whose commandant announced "We have not food nor water nor quarters where to keep you any longer. Two of you must die. In keeping with the new French Democracy, we have devised a fair means of determining who will live, and who will be executed!"

Producing two solid iron cannon shot the size of billiards, the commandant continued…"Each of you will be given these shot and left to your own creativity and wits with which to impress us. The winner by our decision will live. The other two will die."

The prisoners were then escorted into separate rooms. Into the first room which held the German prisoner went the commandant with his guards. Presented with the iron shot, the German quickly wrote down their technical characteristics, physical dimensions, approximate weight and possible uses. He returned the balls and the report to his captors who were suitably impressed. "We could use a man such as you. You are smart and could prove valuable."

They entered the second room which held the Italian prisoner. Presented with the two steel balls, the Italian quickly began juggling them, tossing them high into the air, bouncing them off the walls, balancing them on his nose and generally making a spectacle of himself, and in the process made his captors chuckle. Returning the iron balls to his captors he was complimented…"We could use a good laugh now and then…good for moral…we´ll get back to you…"

The captors then entered the third room which held the Russian POW. They remained an hour and one half, exiting and filing the other two German and Italian prisoners into the yard. "You and you…you will die!" as the two POW´s were braced up against a wall facing a firing squad. Astonished the two prisoners pleaded "But we are talented, smart and entertaining! What happened in the room with the Russian?" they implored.

The commandant blankly replied "We gave him the two iron shot. With one hand he crushed one iron ball into dust, and then lost the second one…we can´t find it anywhere…we´re keeping him!"

Ivan Ivanov, a wealthy Russian oligarch, dies and appears at the gates to paradise. He´s met there by St. Peter who declares…" Well, well… Hello Mr. Ivanov…" while scanning his laptop computer screen. "So, I see you had a villa in Costa del Sol, another in the south of France?" Yes replied Ivanov… "Apartments in London, New York and Paris?" continued Peter. " Yes, true" said Ivanov. "a Rolls Royce, a Bentley, two Ferraris?" asked the saint.

"Yes, I had all of this more, and paid taxes regularly. Are there any problems, sir? May I come in?" "No. No problem, Mr. Ivanov. Sure, you may come in. But… I'm afraid you won't like it here…